Walking in the Sonshine: 2023

Monday, October 2, 2023

yet to come {october 2023}

So raise up your glass, here's to brand new beginnings
And leave in the past all the things that are ending
'Cause tomorrow will bring us a new morning sun
My friends, I believe that the best is yet to come
(The Best is Yet to Come, Ben Rector)

O C T O B E R.

my birthday month. the beginning of all my favorite things.

I asked on my instagram (@walkinginthesonshine) if people still wanted me to write my annual October update, and it was voted that I should sit down at my computer for the first time all year, and write this post. Just as I have done for the past seven years. But I am rusty when it comes to sharing my heart like this, so please bare with me.

I am sitting here, trying to remember where life was last October. What has happened since then? Oh, so much, and yet so little. Both at the same time, if that's even possible. At this time last year, we were planning another wedding, my brother was expecting his first child, and I was preparing myself for moving into my own room for the first time in 22 years, or so. And now, we're here. A year later. With not only a new little nephew, but also a new little niece! Bendigo was born to Chancy and Brynna in March, and darling little Nancy was born to Liberty and Byron on September 2nd. Both babies have been such a blessing to have around, and I honestly don't know what we did without them. And come April of 2024 we will be adding yet another addition to our now family of 14. For Felicity and Josiah are expecting baby number 3! The tie-breaker, as I currently have two nieces and two nephews, though Kate is praying for one of each, so I guess we'll see what God has in store, lol.

My family just keeps on growing, with each passing year. And yet, it's still not me who's been doing the growing. And it sometimes feels like I am standing on the corner, watching all my siblings get on the bus without me. Watching them move on, as I just stand off in the background. I do my best to only look at the beauty around me. Giggles from Kate as we play some silly game together. Chubby grins from Bendigo. The joy of being their auntie. Holding Nancy close, and kissing the top of her sweet head. Watching Gideon do some crazy thing, laughing at how wild that kid is. Watching the cows munch in Golden Hour through my bedroom window. Baking in our farmhouse kitchen, watching the haying go on outside. The mist on my face on foggy days like today. The smell of hay and cows in the air as I stack wood. The chaos of having the entire family over on Thursdays, kids underfoot. Watching my favorite shows, wrapped in a cozy blanket in our beautiful family room in the basement. I truly do love my life. I love my home. I love my family.

But then, my birthday comes sneaking up on me, and I am reminded of my age. And suddenly I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm running out of time. Twenty-Four. And still having a hard time with being single. I am forced to face something I have ignoring all year - I am struggling. It's been a hard summer. A hard year. And I am tired.

In March, I once again stood at the front of a church and watched one of my best friends say "I do". I cried as I hugged her, just minutes after she became Mrs. I held her, and all the other times we hugged flashed before my eyes. And I was reminded anew of God's Goodness. For this friend was dead in sin just a year before that. And now she's New and Whole. Married to a Godly man who loves her. And I am so happy for her. But as I watched her and her new husband drive away, it washed over me again. That feeling of "alone".

Then, in July, someone very dear to me went Home to Heaven. Alone in his house, Gary went Home to be with Jesus and his Sandy. And all I could think was that I will never walk into church, holding a young man's hand, and have Gary joyfully ask me who my young man is. I will never get to ask Gary for his stamp of approval on my future husband. My future husband will never get to meet my "Grandpa Gary". The preacher who helped me become the woman I am today. I will never hear his laugh again. I will never again feel his firm handshake of "God's Peace, Daminika" as he asked me if I was playing in the snow cause my hand was so cold. Or feel his warm hugs, or hear him remind me to "keep smiling". One time he compared my smile to his Sandy's. And I took the comparison and tucked it into my heart, knowing how much Sandy meant to him.

One of the last times I seen him, he had been sick for months. And I was worried about him. He came to church, looking thin and walking slow, but still the same old Gary. More than once that Sunday, he wrapped me up in a hug, looked me in the eye, and thanked me for caring. Thanked me for the prayers. And I remember telling myself to take in that moment, knowing how sick he was. How tired and old he was getting. And now he's gone.

I miss him so much. I miss his sermons. I miss handshakes. I miss his hugs. And I miss his prayers.

I tried so hard to enjoy summer anyway. I went to the fair a couple times. I tried to live life as if I wasn't dying inside. Cause I know that's what Gary would've wanted. But something I just don't understand is why I am always having to go through these losses "alone". As I watched my baby sister lean on her husband and sob at Gary's funeral, I never felt so alone. But I am so thankful for my brother. He put his arm around me and let me cry.

And now I am about to turn 24, still with this fresh grief, as well as the grief from my past. For Grandma. For Abigail Rose. For Susie, my mom's friend. For the teenage life I never got to live. For the friend group I never got to make. For the boyfriend I have yet to meet. And I hate how hard this year has been for me.

My life is busy, it's chaotic. It's full of kids and babies, weddings, and family. I am surrounded by beauty of the PNW everyday - a place I love dearly.

I took a trip to New Hampshire in March and got to hangout with the NH fam for the first time in way too long. A snowy NH trip is something I never though I'd ever experience. We were supposed to be there for my cousin's February wedding, but a snow storm pushed our tickets off, which put us in March, and flying there for "no reason", but I loved traveling with my parents again, and getting to be with everyone out there. Even though everything has changed out there, and nothing is the same. Since Grandpa and Grandma sold the house, and at that time were even living in a different town. But one of my favorite memories from that trip was taking Grandma's bronco for a drive. Just me and LaKaysha, driving around in our "old stomping grounds", going to see the old house, trying to get around from just my memory and getting a coffee. And then there were the times of driving around with cousins, praising God together in song, talking about all the things life has thrown at us, and all the things God has taught us. Sharing secrets, sharing songs, and just being together. NH may never be the same place it was in my teenage years, or the place it was growing up. Things will never be the same there again, but there will always be a part of me that will want to cling to those things, and the memories I made there. Some of my happiest moments happened in that state, and I will always be grateful for that.

In May, LaKaysha and I packed our bags, and loaded our things into our aunt's car, and took off on a two-week road trip, along with our "Sister Aunts". We drove all over. Down to Arizona, Utah, and my favorite state (besides my own) - Wyoming. We seen so many beautiful National Parks, and got some amazing pictures (which I will spare you, as I've already over shared them on instagram) and made some memories together. We did so much on this trip, I will never be able to tell you it all in just this post, but here are some of my favorite moments/places:

Walking through the Phoenix Zoo, wearing a dress, sipping an iced coffee.
My first glimpse of the Grand Canyon
seeing the places where so many of my favorite Westerns were filmed (!!) and knowing that younger me would've passed out just to be standing where I was standing.
walking (more like running) through a rain storm in Jackson Hole, WY
Watching Old Faithful go off in Yellowstone
climbing on ever rock in sight at Arches National Park
watching the Father of the Bride movies for the first time, while in an adorable house in Scottsdale, AZ
the 50s diner (!!)
that Cuban restaurant in Kanab, Utah
Palm trees and cactus
every moment I was in Wyoming

And now, we're in October once again. The pool has come down for the year, we've been getting the winter's supply of firewood stacked high in the barn, the rainy days have come off and on making my heart come alive, and the burn ban has finally been lifted - I am so ready to gather around a fire, wrapped in a cozy blanket, talking about life with my favorite people. I am ready for Pumpkin latte's, and cozy fall soups.

On my birthday this year, my family plans to go to the Pumpkin Patch. Which makes me so happy. One of my favorite things I look forward to every year, and this year I get to do it on my birthday. Spending 24 with my family, walking through the corn maze, searching for the perfect pumpkin to sit on the front porch, drinking a coffee, and then coming home to enjoy a yummy supper together. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better way to spend my birthday.

And I know that I will be okay.

I know I am loved. By my family, but most importantly, I know I am loved by Jesus.

And at the end of the day, as I tuck myself in under the covers, that's all that really matters.

Not to mention, I truly believe that the best is yet to come. That it will get better. And someday these years of loneliness will make sense.

But until then, I'll just keep on trusting the One who holds tomorrow.