South Dakota || 2021

All I can say is. What a time.



I've had a rough summer. I lost someone very dear to me. I've been dealing with grief. And then it hit how lonely I was. Not just "I want a boyfriend" kind of lonely. But also "am I even loveable?" kind of lonely.
And then for no reason at all it seemed like, I decided to reconsider my decision to not go to my cousins wedding in South Dakota. I didn't even want to go there. I wanted to be at the wedding but South Dakota was so far, and I knew nobody, and so why even bother? But God opened all the doors, so He must want me to go for some reason, right? So I forced myself to go. Even though I was almost panicky at the thought.
And wow, am I glad I did.
I met some amazing people who make me feel loveable. Who make me giggle when I had thought I had forgotten how. Who welcome not only me, but my family (this means a lot to me).
Before coming here I wrote in my diary that I was afraid to go. Afraid because something in me said that after this trip nothing would be the same. And boy howdy. How could things be the same when I now have such a wonderful South Dakota fam?
And I got to see someone I hadn't seen in three years. And we bonded in ways we hadn't done in five or six years.
So many tears this weekend. So much laughter. So much LOVE.
And I haven't even touched on how much the wedding made me cry happy tears. It was truly beautiful. Cody and Shayne were so cute (another reason I cried, lol).
So yeah.




What a time.

@daminika_carol99  8.31.21

{left to right} Trina, Mikayla, Maybel, Molly, Kylie, Brynna, {me}, LaKaysha, and Emily

September 5, 2021

   I know I've been pretty quiet on here. It's been a while since I actually sat down, simply with the intentions of updating you on life. Or even just to talk about one thing that has happened in my life. About two months ago, something happened that changed my life forever. My dad asked my why I hadn't done a post about it yet, and I told him I wasn't ready. It still hurt too much. I didn't want to have to put it into words. 

  July 14th, 2021. My dear cousin, Abigail Rose, made it Home. (Liberty is better at doing posts than me, so go here if you want to read more about Abi)

  For 14 years she suffered in her earthly body, but still shining God's light with her giggles and smiles. And I still can't believe she's gone. Really and truly gone. It wasn't a shock to me when my dad woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me. Mostly I felt numb from the news. Tears didn't even come at first. I just kept seeing her smile, and hearing her giggle from that time I stuck a toy on her head and told her not to let it fall off. And I just kept thinking, "How stupid sad is this?"

  And so, I've been grieving. I worked. I went to church. I hung out with family. I even smiled. And I laughed. But life felt empty. I was crying myself to sleep more often than not. I'd go for drives and just cry to myself. My heart was breaking from the pain, and I wasn't sure how I'd get through. I was functioning, life was going on, but I wasn't living. 

  I told God I needed Him. I needed His help to get through this.

  My cousin, Cody, was getting married in South Dakota. Back when he had announced that, me and LaKaysha told him we were really sorry but we wouldn't be making it. And then Abi happened. And I felt like God wanted me to at least try to go. 

  I hate decisions. So I asked God to just open all the doors if I was meant to go, and to slam them in my face if I wasn't. Because I was way too upset to simply decide "I'm going". All the doors opened. Every single one. So. I forced myself to go. 

  Don't get me wrong - I wanted to share Cody and Shayne's day with them. But nothing in me wanted to go to South Dakota. I didn't know anyone there. I was afraid I'd end up sitting at the house where we were staying everyday but the day of the wedding. But hey, God must know what he's doing, right? 

  And, boy, does He.

  That trip to South Dakota turned out to me such a blessing!

  As I was crying my eyes out Sunday night, I kept thinking, "Why is leaving so hard? I met these people Thursday night!" How is it possible to love people so much after such a little time? Someone please explain, because I'm slightly confused. (lol)

  So many times while there I kept thinking, "So this is why God wanted me here." 

  First of all, I got to see a friend who I hadn't seen in a really long time. And we had great moments of re-connecting. That really was so nice.

  The wedding was an emotional one, but so beautiful and I enjoyed every minute of it - including the tearful goodbye. 

  And then, the people there were so welcoming! They welcomed me. They welcomed my family. After the wedding we went to a gathering and everyone there acted like they cared that I came. I thought for sure I wouldn't ever make new friends who really cared. And then I met those girls (pictured above). I thank God everyday for "forcing" me to go on that trip. It reminded me how it felt to have fun. To giggle. To have friends to do those things with. It reminded me how it felt to be loved. 

  Yes, I was afraid that after going on this trip life would never be the same again. And that scared me. But, the change was such a wonderful one! 

I will never forget my first (hopefully not, only) trip to South Dakota. 

  So. I guess the point of this post is to tell you this: Trust God. He really does have a plan.